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Though the idea of being part of the dating pool later in life can seem daunting, it doesn't have to be. In fact, dating in your 40s can (and should!) be a wonderful thing. You're braver, smarter, wiser, and more discerning than you were in your 20s and 30s, which means that finding the right partner can be both a fun and productive experience. Still, there are nuances to be aware of that likely weren't factors when you were dating in your earlier years. You may not have been as dedicated to your career or had fewer financial responsibilities. You also may not have had the experience of deeper relationships to learn from. But that's not to say these factors can, or will, negatively impact your ability to find the love of your life—especially if you're equipped with the tools you need to date effectively.
If you're looking for love after age 40 and wondering where to start, we're here to help: We tapped four experts—Kelly Campbell, PhD, Fran Walfish, PsyD, Ramani Durvasula, PhD, and relationship expert Carmelia Ray—for their advice on dating and relationships during this decade and beyond. Here's what to know before dating in your 40s, including useful tips to keep in mind when embarking on your journey to find love.
Meet the Expert
- Kelly Campbell, PhD, is a relationship expert and Interim Vice Provost at California State University, San Bernardino. She is also the former host of the podcast "Let's Talk Relationships."
- Fran Walfish, PsyD, is a family psychotherapist and author based in Beverly Hills, California.
- Ramani Durvasula, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author based in Los Angeles, California, specializing in relationship counseling.
- Carmelia Ray is an online dating expert and celebrity matchmaker who has been featured on television and in a variety of digital publications.
What to Know Before Dating in Your 40s
No matter your age, putting yourself out there to find a partner can feel thrilling yet scary. If you're in your 40s, however, these feelings may be heightened due to a variety of reasons, as you've had more time to experience the joys and heartbreaks that come with life (this is especially true for those who have gone through a divorce).
But here's some good news: Your past experiences can help you navigate today's dating scene—particularly if you put the time and energy into reflecting on what you liked and disliked about past partners. You should also take a moment to self-reflect on how you acted in past relationships and assess how you'd like to show up once you meet someone new. Consider speaking to a therapist who can help you process your thoughts, or engage in mindful activities like meditation and journaling, all of which can set you up to be the best version of yourself before finding "the one."
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How to Effectively Date in Your 40s
Here, we break down 14 useful tips to keep in mind during every stage of dating—from the first encounter to falling in love.
Try and Meet People in New Ways
Even if you've never used a dating app or walked up to a stranger at a bar, that doesn't mean you can't start now. Don't limit yourself to how you can meet someone just because of your age. See someone cute at your local coffee shop? Go up to them and introduce yourself. Don't have time to go out often? Download a dating app to meet someone from the comfort of your home. Love connections can happen anywhere, you just have to put yourself out there to find out.
Choose Your Partner Wisely
We've all heard the staggering statistic indicating that half of all marriages end in divorce, but the real data doesn't support that claim. Based on data from the Census Bureau, divorce in America has been falling fast: In 2021, per every 1,000 marriages, there were only 6.9 divorces; in 2011, that number was 9.7. It has also been reported that divorce rates will continue to follow this downward trend, even as marriage rates increase, according to CNN. This good news could be attributed to more young adults waiting to tie the knot, in order to get more life experience, financial stability, and a stronger sense of self before saying, "I do"—all things 40-somethings have had time to work on.
So, what does this mean for you? The dating field could have more intentional players looking to get hitched—exciting news for someone who is genuinely looking to get married. That being said, don't enter into a serious relationship hastily, warns Campbell. "Marrying in your 40s, especially if it's for the first time, means you have fewer years till death do you part, so this really could be 'the one'," she says. "As such, you'll want to make the best possible choice."
Never avoid asking the hard questions for fear that you may scare someone away, steer clear of dismissing red flags when they present themselves, and work towards establishing a friendship before jumping into marriage. Being single later in life isn't a bad thing, so choose your partner wisely to avoid dating—or, worse, marrying—the wrong person.
Keep the First Date Light
Conversations on a first date should be all about getting to know each other, finding common ground, and determining compatibility. But if you're fed up with being single, and you feel a connection, you may be tempted to overshare about past negative dating experiences. Ray cautions not to fall into "the TMI trap."
Resist any urge to seek validation and reassurance from your date, as well. "If you lack self-esteem or are unhappy with yourself and your situation, it's not attractive to someone you're newly dating," Ray insists. Instead, be the person you want to attract. Smile, be the best version of yourself, and have fun getting to know your date. Draw them out, focus on them, and enjoy things as they develop organically.
Make Sure You're Both Ready to Date
Unlike dating in your 20s, you've likely had a major relationship, whether it was a spouse or a long-term partner—and the person you're dating probably has, too. According to Campbell, make sure that both you and your date have processed these relationships and are ready to move forward.
How can you tell if you or your date is living in the past? One red flag is talking about their past partner in disparaging terms. "If they are unable to discuss it in objective terms or clearly see each person's role in what went wrong, it may be a warning sign that they aren't over the other person, are still holding a grudge, or are at risk for repeating maladaptive patterns in the new relationship," Campbell suggests. Walfish adds, "Nothing turns off a new person more than hearing you rag about somebody else."
Wait Before Introducing Your Partner to Your Kids
If you're a parent, anyone you date is getting a package deal, and it's crucial to prioritize your kids' emotional needs over your desire to find romantic love. "Children need time to adjust to their parents' split, and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions," Walfish notes. "Introducing a new love interest too soon may delay or damage this process. You owe it to your kids to take it slow when dating."
If you've been dating someone for at least four to five months and feel confident that you're heading toward a serious commitment, the time may be right to talk to your children. Tell them what you admire about your new partner, and encourage them to share both negative and positive feelings about the idea of your being with someone new. Actively listen and validate their feelings before planning a joint outing so everyone can meet. They may be cool to your new partner at first; just let them come around on their own time and keep communicating.
If the relationship is still gelling, have fun dating when your kids are with their other parent or family members. "If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may create uncertainty and ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don't work out," Walfish warns.
When it comes to talking to your kids about your dating life, be honest. You don't have to divulge every detail, but lying about what you're doing or who you're seeing is definitely a bad idea.
Practice Patience When It Comes to Sex
In the heat of the moment, sometimes it can take all your willpower to say "no," but it's well worth it to wait—especially for mature adults. "It takes time to get to know someone, and talking is the glue that holds people together," Walfish says. "Rushing into sex can derail talking communication and make it just a short-lived burst of lust."
To set yourself up for the best sex with a new partner, hold off on this level of intimacy until you're confident about the direction your relationship is going—unless you're just looking for fun, of course. Declare your boundaries upfront by letting your date know you find them attractive, but simply stating, "I don't sleep with someone until I'm really ready."
Be Independent and Interdependent
A nice perk of being in your 40s is that you’ve likely worked on yourself and are more comfortable with who you are now than you may have been a decade or two ago. If not, take time to think through your dating goals, values, and preferences. Also, know your relationship expectations and deal-breakers without being too rigid. Doing this allows you to be both an independent and interdependent partner, so “you function well on your own and at the same time are comfortable fulfilling important needs for your partner and vice versa,” says Campbell.
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Navigate Gender Stereotypes
Dating in today's landscape can present confusing expectations around gender roles. It's likely you and your partner will have different ideas and philosophies, especially when you're financially independent and used to being single. Who picks up the check, and how often? Do you want the door opened for you, or do you want to open it yourself? Not being on the same page can lead to awkwardness and resentment.
"Open, honest communication between two loving and solemnly committed partners is required to make all types of role divisions in relationships work," says Walfish. Talk to your partner about how they view gender roles and what their expectations are. If you have a different viewpoint, you can decide if it's a deal-breaker or if you both can be flexible and find a compromise.
Trust Your Instincts
"Most relationship mistakes happen because a person does not trust their instincts early on and sticks around thinking it will change," says Durvasula. By your 40s, you've experienced many human encounters, so trust your gut, she advises. Plus, by trusting yourself, you'll be able to look beyond "you type" and move forward based on feelings and mutual values—true cornerstones of successful relationships. Types are for people chasing something that they think is good for them. Do you want to put those kinds of limits on love?
Develop a Clear Agenda
Having a good time may have been your main dating plan when you were younger, but it's important to assess if that's the same goal you have in your 40s. While it's okay to want to date casually, if you are looking for your forever love, develop a clear dating agenda once you're ready to meet someone new.
"Because the range of reasons and expectations around dating may be wider, be clear on yours. If someone is not on the same page as you, knowing your hopes can help you make decisions that do not leave you resentful down the road," Durvasula explains. Ray agrees, adding, "Establish your deal breakers and don't compromise important values just to impress someone you like. Don't beat around the bush long-term—been there, done that."
Manage Your Social Media Expectations
Social media is a seamless part of everyday life for most 20- and 30-year-olds, but for someone from an older generation, their connection to Facebook, Instagram, and X (formerly Twitter) could be more of a mixed bag. Your date's social habits could range from "the 45-year-old who is as plugged in as a teenager to the 48-year-old who has never been on Instagram," Durvasula notes. So before posting a photo of you and your love interest together, ask them if they're okay with that first. Durvasula also advises against making a big deal out of it or trying to post too soon, as it may make the other person uncomfortable.
Be Flexible With Scheduling
Many people over 40 have many responsibilities that require more planning. For example, Tuesday night dates that stretch into the wee hours may not work on a regular basis as fatigue can set in. "Not to say that you need to get the blue plate special and call it a night at 7 p.m., but you are also no longer able to just skip morning classes after a first date," says Durvasula. Plus, parents have to balance childcare responsibilities. "[It] could get tricky because it means a lot less time for dating and less alone time," adds Campbell.
Don't try to read between the lines if your date has to reschedule or call it early. It's often because of their personal responsibilities, so be understanding, and you're likely to receive the same kind of understanding from them.
Never Apologize for Being You
You may have had your fair share of trial and error, but this needn’t be considered “baggage.” If a past folly comes up on a date, focus on the growth and learning that came out of it instead of beating yourself up. “Women, in particular, apologize for what they perceive are their shortcomings or to discount themselves,” Durvasula explains. “You have lived a full life, no need for apologies. Own your mistakes and talk about them as life lessons.”
Your date will also appreciate it when you listen to their mistakes without judgment or unsolicited advice. “People want to be seen, validated, and accepted—flaws and all,” says Walfish.
Avoid Making Assumptions
It's easy to see things through the lens of your past experiences—more than you ever would have in your 20s or even 30s. "If you've had negative dating experiences, you might assume the person you're dating shares similar traits or behaviors as someone in your past," Ray suggests. "It doesn't work to assume everyone you date is all the same."
Before your first date, try your best to be open and nonjudgmental (while still keeping your wits about you, of course). By doing this, you'll give your date the chance to surprise you, creating a more positive experience from the start.